When a Caregiver Needs Care

 

In an instant my reality became a surreal, dreamlike, out-of-body experience of life moving in slow motion. It was the day I thought I'd lost my husband, forever.

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"Whoa, is that your new car?" I gushed to coworker Tim Holbrook when I saw him drive up in a blue, 1974 Mercedes 450SL convertible.  
 

Tim was tall and slender and carried a swagger from his former life. Years ago, he worked at a recording studio alongside major artists in the music industry.

"It's my 50th birthday and I decided to splurge. You're only 50 once, right?"

Noticing droll oozing from my mouth, Tim smiled and asked, "You want to take her for a drive?" 

"Can I!? Really!?"

 

 

"Sure! Here's the keys, hop in and drive her around town. I don't mind," he said.

I didn't hesitate. I ran my fingers across the soft leather seats with its cool burl-wood accents. I was in heaven.

I decided to cruise over and surprise Tom. He and Brian Roberts were doing some external repair work on a nearby church. Brian was perched high on a ladder while Tom held it steady below. I drove the convertible over to where they were working, honked the horn, and gave an ostentatious wave and teased, "Hey Honey, look what I just bought!"

As Tom walked towards the Mercedes, I noticed his face was pale and his brow was covered in perspiration.

"Beth, you need to call a doctor. I've been after him all day. He's not doing well!" Brian said as he jumped off the last rung of the ladder.

"Tom, I'm calling the doctor now, you're going to see him today!" I informed him. 

I quickly delivered the convertible back to Tim and called the doctor's office. I begged the nurse for an appointment that day. Hearing the urgency in my voice, she arranged one for that afternoon.

 

 

Dr. Warren examined Tom. He listened to his heart, took his blood pressure, and conducted an EKG. After reading the results, Dr. Warren looked at me earnestly and said, "Either you drive him to the emergency room, or I'm calling an ambulance. He's in atrial fibrillation, his blood pressure is off the chart; even worse, he could have a heart attack any minute. In the meantime, I'll try and arrange for a heart specialist to meet you there."

Our home was on the way to the hospital. Tom insisted we run home long enough to pack him a small suitcase and to collect his shaving kit. I grabbed some personal items for myself, too,

The next several days felt like a bad dream.

Thankfully, between loving friends and family members, our granddaughters were well taken care of.  

A stream of concerned white coats wearing stethoscopes filed in and out of Tom’s room. Then, a very young physician determined Tom needed triple bypass surgery. It was devastating news.

Thanks to medication Tom slept soundly that first night. However I laid anxiously on a nearby sofa and listened to the beep beep beep of his heart monitor.

In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19

Early the following morning, another heart specialist decided a triple bypass wasn’t necessary after all. Although we were elated and thanked God at the news, Tom wasn’t out of the woods yet.

As it turned out, Tom had been living with several walking time-bombs. He was diagnosed and treated for atrial fibrillation, a blood clot behind his heart, blockages in his arteries that required two heart cauterizations, and extremely high blood pressure.   

It was only by the Grace of God that he’s alive today!

 

 

We felt incredibly blessed as friends and family poured into Tom’s little hospital room bearing cards, flowers, goodie bags, and most of all their love and prayers. Our oldest daughter, Tish, stayed with us during the day, and took care of granddaughters Grace and Bella most nights while our son, Thomas, held down the landscaping business.

On the eighth day Tom, stir-crazy and ready to go home, was released. He was sent home with orders to rest, a plethora of medications and a strict diet. No more Big Macs.

It’s been two years since Tom’s heart episode. He’s still on medication for the atrial fibrillation (A-Fib) and high blood pressure, but he’s doing great. He works hard and plays even harder. During the week he runs a landscaping business and on the weekends, with at least one granddaughter by his side, he’s surf fishing.

It’s important as caregivers to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. Others depend on us.

Tell me, are you taking care of yourself?

Who’s depending on you?

 

 -Beth

  

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Elizabeth: An Unconventional Parent

“Both of them were righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commands and decrees blamelessly.  But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old.” Luke 1:6-7

I’m often asked, “How do you do it at your age? You know, raising your grandkids.”

Consider Elizabeth.

You remember Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist, cousin to Mary, the mother of Jesus?



Elizabeth & Mary Rejoicing



Talk about old… she was over sixty when she became a mother for the very first time.

Elizabeth was married to Zechariah, a high priest and religious leader in the Jewish community.

 

Zachariah & Elizabeth



Elizabeth, like most young, married Jewish women of her time, looked forward to rearing children. Since women back then held little position, most found their identity in being a mother. Elizabeth was no exception. She greatly anticipated the day when she could cradle a baby in her arms. Yet, Elizabeth was barren (Luke 1:7).

 

Elizabeth, being the wife of a well-respected priest: visited the sick, delivered hot meals to the needy, and hosted countless baby showers for expectant mothers. She, like Zechariah, was a pillar in the community. Sadly, unable to conceive a child of her own, she was disgraced and shamed (Luke 1:25).

 

Regardless of Elizabeth’s barrenness, and years of watching her contemporaries have baby after baby, she remained humble and her faith unshaken. She held onto a promise, even into her golden years.

 

The Hebrew translation for Elizabeth means oath of God.

 

Even though she was well-advanced in years, God caused her to conceive when He was ready. He had a plan all along: Not to disgrace Elizabeth, but to bless her beyond all of her expectations.

 

God is full of surprises.

 

Sometimes, when we least expect it, he touches us with a miracle and our life is changed forever.

 

Has God unexpectedly touched your life?

 

Upon receiving the herald from the angel Gabriel that he was going to be a father, Zechariah laughed. He thought it was the most ridiculous news he’d ever heard (Luke 1:13).

 

Zechariah doubted an angel then laughed! (Yeah, Gabriel wasn’t too thrilled about that!)

 

Did you wonder how you could possibly raise your grandkids… at your age?

 

  

If God had faith that Elizabeth and Zechariah would make remarkable parents in their latter years, don’t you think He believes you can be a remarkable grandparent, raising your grandchildren?

 

God kept Elizabeth to bring up John at the right time. He trusted her and that's why he gave her John – known as the forerunner.

 

Did you know the Lord trusts you, too?

 

 I want to hear from you!

 

 

 

If Children are a blessing from the Lord, do you consider bringing up your grandchildren a God-given ministry? Or perhaps you’re a caregiver of: a parent, a disabled child, foster children, whatever the situation, God has uniquely equipped you for this task. Will you trust Him today to carry the burden?

 

 –Beth  

 

 

 

 

Surrendering Weakness

My grace is sufficient for you,
for My power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

 

One evening about a decade ago, I was lounging on the sofa channel surfing and just happened upon a feature about grandparents raising their grandchildren.

An Epic Great-Grandmother

"I'm 80 years old, I've raised three children, four grandchildren and now I'm raising my two great-grandchildren. The youngest is eighteen months," she said proudly to the reporter.
 

 

She lived in an inner city high-rise community.

Under her watchful eye the toddler teetered precariously to the coffee table. Perched comfortably on the sill of a large bay window looking at the traffic below was another child of about eight.

This great-grandmother seemed unruffled by life's circumstances.

She had peace.

I had self-pity.

She'd selflessly dedicated her entire life to raising her children, grandchildren, and now great-grandchildren. She wasn't sniveling over feeling tired, giving up her life, or complaining about her adult children leaving her to raise their children. Instead, she embraced her Encore life of raising her grandchildren and made the best of it.

My granddaughters were one and two years old when they moved in with us. At age 47, I was a young grandmother by all accounts. Yet, I was exhausted all the time. Fatigue and sleep deprivation from juggling a full time job and caring for little ones had spiraled into a lame excuse for a grumpy attitude.

From that day forward I vowed to remember that selfless octogenarian when I'd feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or experienced a bout of self-pity.

 

 

Reflections

When we don't cast our burdens and the cares of this world on Him, our peace fades and our strength weakens.

Remember: every weakness you have is an opportunity for God to show his strength in you.

 

As an Encore Parent raising two grandchildren, I know it's not always easy. There are times when I feel I don't have the strength to persevere, but when I surrender those weaknesses over to God, He's faithful to carry me through, every time.

 

 

Thanks for stopping by, I’d really like to hear from you. What opportunities do you have for God to show His strength in your life today?

-Beth

 

 

 

 

 

"N" is for Family

                                                          

Grandchildren are a Crown to their Grandparents.

Proverbs 17:6a

 

Grace inspects the frozen bird bath.

It’s the winter of the Polar Vortex.

My achy joints protest.

It’s Sunday morning. I know I’ve overslept, but I’m content sandwiched between warm covers.

 

"Wear this one," says Bella, my 10-year-old granddaughter, as she pulls out the black and white dress with ruffled sleeves from my closet and walks it to my bedside.

 “We’re going to be late for church,” she insists.

Although, I dislike wearing dresses and prefer wearing slacks instead; I roll out of bed and embrace her recommendation. I’m grateful that my granddaughters, Grace and Bella, enjoy attending church; and I don’t want them to be late today because I’ve lingered in bed.

Bella hands me a pair of black leather boots and my gold dangly earrings to complete my ensemble.

She’s a born fashionista.

Bella, my fashionista!

 

She loves perusing my closet choosing outfits for me to wear and anticipates the day when she can fit into my clothes.

Do you also have a granddaughter who enjoys playing dress-up with your clothes, shoes and jewelry?

After squeezing into a pair of pantyhose, another pet peeve, I hastily shove my foot into my boot and notice a forgotten "N" scribbled in black marker on the sole.

I smile and remember.

 

Grace and Bella were five and six years old. Shoes haphazardly covered my bedroom floor. "What are you girls up to?" I ask these blithe sisters sitting in my closet.

Large blue eyes gleam at me through wispy blonde locks, "I'm putting 'N' for Nana on the bottoms of your shoes so if you lose them people will know they're yours," explains Grace. In a makeshift assembly line Bella hands Grace a pair of my red patent leather pumps for inscription.

That scrawled “N” held more meaning than “Nana.”

It represented a particular position in our family unit.

Feeling connected to our family greatly occupies the hearts of Grace and Bella.

When God created humans, he designed us to live in families. Family relationships, therefore, are important to God.

My husband, Tom, and I knew the very first step in raising our granddaughters was to provide a loving and stable environment. It was important for us to establish a sense of family and belonging.

 Looking at family photos is a great way to instill connectedness.

 

 

 

 

My husband’s father, Joseph, was half Cherokee Indian. His nickname was Injun Joe. He looked like an Indian Chief. He had an imposing physique, dark skin and hair, yet he was incredibly tenderhearted.

One very old photo is of Injun Joe’s mother. The picture is scratched and bent at the edges. A tall, slender Cherokee woman holds young Injun Joe.

Sadly, he died about six years after Tom and I were married. Thankfully, through pictures and memories, we can carry on his legacy to our grandchildren.

Our granddaughters love to imagine the days when their ancestors lived in teepees and hunted with bows and arrows. Although Grace and Bella don’t resemble a couple of Cherokee squaws, they know Native Americans are part of their heritage.

Reflections:

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior's hands. (Psalm 127:3-5)

 

 

Fun activities such as looking at family photos can help build your family's sense of identity and help support your grandchildren’s self-esteem.

What fun activities do you do with your grandchildren?

What ways do you reinforce their sense of self-worth?

Beth

                                                                                          

I want to hear from you! Please post your thoughts....

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saying Good Bye to Guilt

“Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

 

 

 

"Where's mommy? I want my mommy!" cried Grace, my three-year old granddaughter. Warm tears filled my eyes as I looked at this yearning child through my rearview mirror, her stuffed bunny, Rosie, tightly clutched at her elbow. Grace's fourteen-month-old sister, Bella, slept peacefully in the car seat beside her. A lump formed in my throat seizing my vocal chords as I agonized over a plausible explanation. I had wished it was simple as, "She's gone to the grocery store and she'll be right back." Unfortunately, there were no simple answers, and even worse: Her mommy wasn't coming back.

 

That's how my Encore journey began eight years ago.

 

According to AARP, my husband, Tom, and I, are among the 2.7 million grandparents across the United States who are either raising or helping to raise our grandchildren. We're often known as grandfamilies, or, as I prefer, Encore Parents. We are the caregivers of our grandchildren performing double duty as both parent and grandparent.

 

I’m often asked, "How do you do this at your age? You know, raising your grandkids.”

 

Well gee thanks! I’m no spring chicken, that’s for sure. But I’m not Whistler’s Mother either.

 

I would however, like to share this with you:

 

My Encore Secrets for Personal Well-being

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians. 4:13.

 

 

 

First, Accept What Is

In an instant, the trajectory of my life was forever altered. One day my grown children worked and lived on their own; I enjoyed a fulfilling career; and on weekends I served as a volunteer with at-risk youth. Next, a son's marriage fell apart. There was a custody battle. Then, on a crisp autumn day, just when our Maple tree began dropping its fiery leaves, a heartbroken son, along with his two precious daughters, moved into our home.

 

Making all the necessary accommodations in our small townhouse for our son and his two little girls was no easy feat. It took lots of creativity and rearranging spaces to make it work, but somehow we managed (Look for an upcoming post on how we achieved this).

 

There were many hurdles I had to jump that first year. Lack of sleep ranked at the top. I averaged about four hours of sleep at night amid waking little ones, bottles and changing diapers. Some days I felt like a walking zombie. It seemed easier the first time around. 

 

Numbing fatigue and gut-wrenching guilt were secretly taking an emotional toll.

 

Dump the guilt; lighten the load; accept what is.

 

 

Second, Let Go of What Was

An overwhelming sense of failure paralyzed me.

 

I felt I'd failed as a parent. I found myself agonizing over, How? Why? If only. After all, I'd spent countless hours in the mom taxi driving to basketball games, soccer games, playoffs, church, birthday parties, you name it, and I drove him there. I celebrated victories, consoled losses, baked cupcakes, and volunteered as room mom, among other things.

 

How could my son possibly get trapped in the snares of this world when I had invested some much time in him?

 

I allowed self-criticizing thoughts to consume valuable real estate. I knew I had to come to terms with what is – my new normal, and let go of what was, before I lost my sanity. Besides, I knew I hadn't been a perfect parent; but I knew I hadn’t been a terrible one, either.

 

 Let go of what was; it's time to move forward.

 

 

 

Third, Have Faith in What Will Be

Dear Encore Parent, this isn't your first rodeo. You're an experienced rider. There will be obstacles along the way, be assured of that. But you CAN do this! Okay, with a lot less energy I'll admit. Tom and I discovered that right from the get-go. Energy from our 20's had long since vanished. We simply had to trust and have faith that God would see us through this journey.

 

Our Encore life hasn’t always been an easy one. Our goal from the beginning was to create a normal (whatever that is), stable environment for our two granddaughters. It's been rewarding, yet exhausting at times. Today, Grace and Bella are happy and well-adjusted and we couldn't imagine life without them in our home. 

Keep a lighthearted attitude. Have faith in what will be.

 

 

Reflections

Esther was an orphan girl raised by her cousin Mordecai, a man of great conviction and resolve. Mordecai was instrumental in Esther finding favor with King Ahasuerus, her becoming Queen, and ultimately saving their Jewish people from genocide.

 

As grandparents raising our grandchildren we, too, are tremendous influencers. Therefore, let’s make it our vow to seize each day as an opportunity to shape the lives and destinies of our grandchildren into mighty men and women of God.

 

Beth

 

How are you shaping destinies?