Saying Good Bye to Guilt

“Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

 

 

 

"Where's mommy? I want my mommy!" cried Grace, my three-year old granddaughter. Warm tears filled my eyes as I looked at this yearning child through my rearview mirror, her stuffed bunny, Rosie, tightly clutched at her elbow. Grace's fourteen-month-old sister, Bella, slept peacefully in the car seat beside her. A lump formed in my throat seizing my vocal chords as I agonized over a plausible explanation. I had wished it was simple as, "She's gone to the grocery store and she'll be right back." Unfortunately, there were no simple answers, and even worse: Her mommy wasn't coming back.

 

That's how my Encore journey began eight years ago.

 

According to AARP, my husband, Tom, and I, are among the 2.7 million grandparents across the United States who are either raising or helping to raise our grandchildren. We're often known as grandfamilies, or, as I prefer, Encore Parents. We are the caregivers of our grandchildren performing double duty as both parent and grandparent.

 

I’m often asked, "How do you do this at your age? You know, raising your grandkids.”

 

Well gee thanks! I’m no spring chicken, that’s for sure. But I’m not Whistler’s Mother either.

 

I would however, like to share this with you:

 

My Encore Secrets for Personal Well-being

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians. 4:13.

 

 

 

First, Accept What Is

In an instant, the trajectory of my life was forever altered. One day my grown children worked and lived on their own; I enjoyed a fulfilling career; and on weekends I served as a volunteer with at-risk youth. Next, a son's marriage fell apart. There was a custody battle. Then, on a crisp autumn day, just when our Maple tree began dropping its fiery leaves, a heartbroken son, along with his two precious daughters, moved into our home.

 

Making all the necessary accommodations in our small townhouse for our son and his two little girls was no easy feat. It took lots of creativity and rearranging spaces to make it work, but somehow we managed (Look for an upcoming post on how we achieved this).

 

There were many hurdles I had to jump that first year. Lack of sleep ranked at the top. I averaged about four hours of sleep at night amid waking little ones, bottles and changing diapers. Some days I felt like a walking zombie. It seemed easier the first time around. 

 

Numbing fatigue and gut-wrenching guilt were secretly taking an emotional toll.

 

Dump the guilt; lighten the load; accept what is.

 

 

Second, Let Go of What Was

An overwhelming sense of failure paralyzed me.

 

I felt I'd failed as a parent. I found myself agonizing over, How? Why? If only. After all, I'd spent countless hours in the mom taxi driving to basketball games, soccer games, playoffs, church, birthday parties, you name it, and I drove him there. I celebrated victories, consoled losses, baked cupcakes, and volunteered as room mom, among other things.

 

How could my son possibly get trapped in the snares of this world when I had invested some much time in him?

 

I allowed self-criticizing thoughts to consume valuable real estate. I knew I had to come to terms with what is – my new normal, and let go of what was, before I lost my sanity. Besides, I knew I hadn't been a perfect parent; but I knew I hadn’t been a terrible one, either.

 

 Let go of what was; it's time to move forward.

 

 

 

Third, Have Faith in What Will Be

Dear Encore Parent, this isn't your first rodeo. You're an experienced rider. There will be obstacles along the way, be assured of that. But you CAN do this! Okay, with a lot less energy I'll admit. Tom and I discovered that right from the get-go. Energy from our 20's had long since vanished. We simply had to trust and have faith that God would see us through this journey.

 

Our Encore life hasn’t always been an easy one. Our goal from the beginning was to create a normal (whatever that is), stable environment for our two granddaughters. It's been rewarding, yet exhausting at times. Today, Grace and Bella are happy and well-adjusted and we couldn't imagine life without them in our home. 

Keep a lighthearted attitude. Have faith in what will be.

 

 

Reflections

Esther was an orphan girl raised by her cousin Mordecai, a man of great conviction and resolve. Mordecai was instrumental in Esther finding favor with King Ahasuerus, her becoming Queen, and ultimately saving their Jewish people from genocide.

 

As grandparents raising our grandchildren we, too, are tremendous influencers. Therefore, let’s make it our vow to seize each day as an opportunity to shape the lives and destinies of our grandchildren into mighty men and women of God.

 

Beth

 

How are you shaping destinies?